I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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