If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize