He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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