I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
