I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
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She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
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I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I have already put on my inside pants.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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