if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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