I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
