The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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