my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
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I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
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His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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