Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
