If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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