you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
