apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's shark week go big or go home
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize