I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
