u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
