I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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