Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You ruined the universe
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