Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
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We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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