the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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