Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
