i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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