I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
