Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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