I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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