I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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