I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice