Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni