I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.