His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
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I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
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I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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