Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
