i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
