I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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