i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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