I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
