I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
