we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
why do cheetos always look like penises
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
