What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
