I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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