I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
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You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
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Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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