My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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