guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
