At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
