I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
