cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
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The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
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I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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