I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
