When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
