This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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