I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
