so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
