I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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