...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
