Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Bring me that man meat
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
