Kiss
Puke
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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