dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
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She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.