So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
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ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE