the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR