she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
