woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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