I wish I only lived at night.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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