I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
